At the core of every human interaction is a deep-seated desire to connect. We all yearn to be seen, heard, and understood. Throughout the day, people make what are called “bids for connection.” A bid can be verbal, like saying, “Wow, look at that sunset,” or nonverbal, like letting out a sigh. The way these bids are met—whether with warmth or indifference—significantly impacts the sense of safety and belonging in a relationship.

The Desire to Connect

Sometimes, it’s not possible to immediately turn towards a bid for connection. However, acknowledging the bid and asking to discuss it later is still a positive response. For example, saying, “I’m busy right now, can we talk in a few minutes?” shows that the bid is recognized and that the person is valued, even if the conversation needs to be postponed. It’s about being mindful and ensuring that the other person feels seen and heard.

Acknowledging When You’re Busy

Studies have shown that couples who turn towards each other’s bids for connection most of the time have stronger, more lasting relationships. For instance, couples who stayed married were found to turn towards each other’s bids 86% of the time, while those who divorced only did so 33% of the time. This highlights that responsiveness nurtures relationships, while dismissiveness can harm them. Paying attention to these small moments can make a big difference in keeping a relationship healthy.

The Importance of Turning Towards

When someone shares something personal, like saying, “I’ve had a tough day,” it’s easy to respond with a superficial comment like, “Oh, that sucks, I’m sorry.” But taking the conversation a bit deeper, like asking, “I’m sorry you had a bad day. What happened?” can make a significant difference. This kind of deeper engagement helps strengthen the connection and shows genuine care and interest.

Going Deeper in Conversations

Interestingly, turning away from bids can be more harmful than turning against them. It feeds into social isolation and sends a subtle yet harmful message of indifference, which can make someone feel unseen and undervalued. Often, missed bids aren’t due to a lack of care but rather distraction or preoccupation. Recognizing and responding to bids is key to avoiding this silent killer of relationships and ensuring that both partners feel valued and connected.

The Silent Killer of Relationships

No one catches every bid for connection, and that’s okay. What matters is consistently making an effort. The secret to strong, healthy relationships isn’t in grand gestures but in mastering the art of these tiny moments. It’s the small, often overlooked ways that people turn towards each other that truly make a difference. Being mindful of these opportunities to connect can help maintain and strengthen relationships over time.

The Secret to Strong Relationships

When people first fall in love, everything feels so perfect and effortless. There’s an abundance of attention and love, and both individuals bask in the feeling of being deeply seen, valued, and cherished. But as the novelty wears off and reality sets in, it becomes clear that keeping a relationship strong requires effort. As philosopher Alain de Botton wisely said, we know so much about how to fall in love and dangerously little about how to stay in it.

The Beginning of Love

There are three ways to respond to a bid for connection: turning towards, turning away, or turning against. For example, if someone says, “Look at those flowers,” turning towards would be responding with, “Wow, they’re beautiful!” Turning away might look like not commenting at all or giving a half-hearted response. Turning against, on the other hand, involves rejecting the bid with a negative or dismissive remark. These reactions deeply affect the quality and strength of a relationship.

Turning Towards, Away, or Against

One helpful practice is to label bids for connection when they happen. For example, if it seems like a bid is being ignored or rejected, simply saying, “Hey, I’m making a bid for connection,” can bring attention to it. This simple act can snap the other person out of their distraction and remind them of the opportunity to connect. It’s a small but powerful way to stay engaged and strengthen the relationship.

Labeling Bids for Connection

Hey there! 😊 I recently watched a video by PickUpLimes, and it got me thinking about relationships and how we can keep that connection alive even when life gets busy. So, I'd like to share some insights I picked up from the video that might help us all connect a little better with the people we care about. 

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TIMELINE
0:00 Intro
0:18 Romantic relationships, for example 
1:04 Bids for connection 
1:49 3 ways to respond 
2:08 Towards 
2:33 Away
2:51 Against
3:41 What so many people don't realize 
4:31 Tip 1
4:58 Tip 2
5:17 Tip 3
6:02 Outro
6:17 Bloopers 😜

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❤ Sadia

Understand yourself and those around you.

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