Alejandro Martinez's Key Ideas from The Next Conversation
by Jefferson Fisher

Conflict triggers your body before your mind. That "we need to talk" text triggers our flight or fight response.

Flight or fight: ignition

Rest and Digest: cooling

Our triggers aren't weaknesses, they're teachers. Understanding what triggers us helps us to take a moment to engage in cooling and to notice when others are triggered.

Control starts before you even speak.

Your first word is your breath: Take a deep breath, inhale for 2 seconds and exhale for 4 seconds.

Your first thought is a body scan: As you exhale, scan your body for any tension and release it. Take note of your emotions.

Self-talk: Empower yourself with a phrase like "stand firm" or "speak calmly".

A pause in the conversation is not a weakness- it’s a sign of confidence and control.

3-4 seconds: Think before responding, reflect, reconsider.

5-10 seconds: A mirror for reflection, calms heat, engages cooling phase.

Pausing shows engagement and leaves room for clarity. Think of it as driving a car, the pause is your brakes to slow down.

Confidence is a feeling, not a trait. Build it by cutting out fluff and speaking clearly.

• Don't over-apologize.
• Skip the long introductions— get to the point, kindly but be direct.

Being assertive is about respecting both your voice and theirs.

When someone says something hurtful, don't give them what they want - your reaction.

• Use pauses and questions of intent: "Did you mean to say that to me?"
• Stand firm to bad apologies. If someone says "I'm sorry, it's just I've been so stressed," respond with "I need you to be sorry for your words, not your stress."
• Let interruptions pass once, then calmly name the behavior: "I want to listen to you, I need to finish what I'm saying first."
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Keep things from spiraling by setting a farm (goals for the conversation)

1. Goal: “I want to talk about X”
2. End result: “I want to walk away knowing, understanding Y”
3. Agreement: “Does that sound good to you”

Frame = clarity + direction.

Saying no is self-care. Say it with strength:

Formula: Decline first, then express gratitude.

Example: "I can't go, thank you for the invite! I hope it's fun!"

Use "I" statements to state boundaries:

"I don't work on weekends" or "I don't respond to that tone."

Boundaries that make others uncomfortable mean it's working.

However, find balance - too many boundaries and you shut yourself off from connections.

Getting defensive shuts down connection. Instead:

• Pause before reacting.
• Use "I" statements instead of saying "you". For example: "I felt sad when you..." , "I felt myself get anxious when you said..."
• Don't use "why", use "what", "when", or "how". For example: "When do you plan on taking out the trash?" instead of "Why do you never take out the trash?"

Invite reflection. Not resistance.

Don't spring them onto someone.

• Schedule them. No distractions. No fluff. Get to the point.

"What I have to say might be hard to hear."

Use past tools: Pause, Listen, Understand. Difficult conversations aren't problems, they're turning points.