As important and valuable as it is to build our internal and external networks, create goodwill with colleagues and managers, and be seen as credible, reliable, and a team players, we need to start making requests in our careers earlier than we think.

Asking for what we need at work

According to relationship researcher John Gottman, healthy, stable relationships have a “magic ratio” of 5 to 1. This means that for every negative feeling or interaction between people in a relationship, there must be five positive feelings or interactions.Rather than spending time ruminating over whether you should ask someone to do something for you when you don’t know them well enough, use that time to increase your positive interactions with them.

Apply the "magic ratio" of healthy relationships

Be direct, be willing to ask, and be able to move on if the answer is no.Show consideration for the other person's needs, values, and interests, and give them an out if they don't accept your request.

Make requests, not demands

A "no" could mean a combination of the following"<ul><li>No, not now. (When would be a better time?)</li><li>No, not at that amount. (What amount would work?)</li><li>No, not to this cause. (What causes do you care about?)</li></ul>

Get curious about what “no” means so you can get to a yes

<ul><li>Approach others with visible joy instead of frustration or anger.</li><li>Make a request from a position of comfort rather than a sense of desperation.</li><li>When you are cheerful, you are more likely to brighten someone else's day.</li><li>Keep the best case scenario n mind: the person you are reaching out to says they can't help you.</li><li>Use your positive attitude to bounce back.</li></ul>

Cultivate a positive affect

It can be hard to ask make “cold asks” early in our careers and relationships. But by applying the science of what makes relationships work, and combining it with the art of connecting, we can hopefully get what we need without seeming needy. This article covers four strategies to get the most out of the early days of a new relationship: 1) Apply the magic 5:1 ratio of healthy relationships. This means that for every negative feeling or interaction between people in a relationship, there must be five positive feelings or interactions. 2) Make requests, not demands. A demand is something to which the other person feels obligated to say yes, whereas a request is something to which the other person can say “yes”, “no”, or make a counter-offer. 3) Get curious about what “no” means so you can get to a yes. Ask questions about the reasons behind the “no”and then make a better ask next time. 4) Cultivate a positive affect. Who is more likely to give you their time, energy, attention, and resources: someone who is experiencing you as needy and negative, or someone who experiences you as upbeat and hopeful? It’s likely the latter.

career

Career

communication

Communication

Ask for What You Need at Work

The quickest way to deal with an unhappy situation at work is to confront it head-on. Yet many people resort to passive aggression or using underhanded comments to vent frustration. A survey from Preply showed that:<ul><li>73 % of American workers said they had experienced passive aggression at work.</li><li>52% admit to being passive-aggressive at work themselves.</li><li>38% feel their workplace incentivizes passive-aggressive communication.</li></ul>

Passive aggression at work

The most harmful types of passive aggression include shifting blame, patronizing, and denying anger. The worst passive-aggressive phrases are:<ul><li>“As you, no doubt, are aware . . . “</li><li>“For future reference”</li><li>“Friendly reminder”</li><li>“CC’ing [my boss] for visibility”</li><li>“Per my last email”</li></ul>

Passive-aggressive phrases

If you're on the receiving end of passive-aggressive comments from a coworker or your boss,<ol><li>Identify and label the intensity of it. For example, are you annoyed or outraged?</li><li>Don't associate the emotion with yourself. Don't say, "I'm angry". Instead, say that "there is anger in me". This way, you can detach from the emotion and get rid of it.</li><li>Don't react in the moment. Let it go for a time, then address the situation with observable behaviour. "When you made this comment, it made me feel this way." The other person may not be aware that their comments are interpreted negatively.</li></ol>

Strategies for managing passive-aggressive people

If you’re tired of dealing with an easily annoyed and conflict-avoidant coworker, here’s what you need to do.

leadershipandmanagement

Leadership & Management

How to deal with passive-aggressive coworkers

Pushing back is a critical skill to have in your professional life if you don’t want to be a Yes Man, and instead, be viewed as a peer with innovative ideas.The soft skill of pushing back in the right way can distinguish you.Being able to form an argument for an idea and have the courage to state it can make you stand out in a good way.

Push Back At The Workplace

Having the right motivation of valuing everybody on the team versus predominantly the boss will create a long-term support system for your entire career and demonstrate to your boss that you're a team player.Beware of trying to make a name for yourself at the expense of your peers... you might be working for them in the future.

Define Your Motivation

<ul><li>Be in the right emotional state to effectively challenge your boss.</li><li>Actively listen and actively listen.</li><li>Say it in the form of a question rather than an assertion.</li><li>Time it right.</li><li>Use inclusive language.</li><li>Do not challenge someone in front of a large crowd.</li></ul>

Be In The Right Emotional State

Make sure your heart is pure and in the right place, you can live with yourself no matter the outcome.When you decide to push back and challenge someone, make sure the target of that argument is the idea, not the person.Change is not easy and sometimes it takes time for the other person to realize you have a point.Be graceful and give it time.

Say What Your Heart Says

3 questions to guide you successfully to push back in the workplace. A critical skill in your professional is to be viewed as a peer with innovative ideas.

How To Challenge Anyone and Anything

Conflict management is one of the biggest fears of new managers. Conflict is not always destructive. It prevents complacency and groupthink. But it can cause havoc on your team if not managed well. Managing conflict is a skill that few leaders are taught. However, as a new leader, you can mitigate most conflict before it gets out of hand.

Managing conflict in a team

Digital communication can cause more misunderstanding as clear communication often relies on non-verbal cues. Picking the wrong communication tool can create confusion and hurt feelings. <ul><li>Use email if you're sharing non-sensitive information that doesn't require a response.</li><li>Use Slack or a phone call if you're looking for a response in real-time.</li><li>A video call or in-person meeting is best for a situation that can lead to misinformation, discussing a sensitive topic, or delivering bad news.</li></ul>

Establish clear channels of communication

First-time managers often quantify and track everything their team members do to measure performance. It is confusing as team members don't know which tasks to prioritise and which ones are not measured. Managers may leave standards open to interpretation, which can negatively impact relationships on their team. <ul><li>With the company's larger mission in mind, what skills, goals, and outcomes are most important for your team?</li><li>Use a tool like Trello or Asana to help your team members track their tasks.</li><li>Set clear, non-ambiguous standards around how each person's performance is measured.</li></ul>

Be transparent about performance expectations

Misalignment of timing or deadlines may cause conflict between team members. For example, when peers collaborate on a project and one person misinterprets how long it will take their partner to complete a task. <ul><li>A helpful strategy is to encourage your team members to track their hours so that they know how long each task will take rather than making assumptions.</li><li>Review your team's trackers weekly and identify opportunities for improvement.</li></ul>

Manage time expectations

Assuming that someone else is responsible for completing a task may lead to missed deadlines and finger-pointing. <ul><li>Create a guide that lays out the expectations you have of your team members, their roles, and assigned tasks. </li><li>Your guide could include how tasks are assigned, how you communicate with each other, and how customer feedback gets logged and where.</li><li>Keep it simple. Ask your team what they expect of themselves and you and use that feedback as a starting point.</li></ul>

Clarify task and role expectations

When not managed well, conflict can wreak havoc on your team and even harm your managerial reputation. As a new leader, how can you mitigate conflict before it gets out of hand, or deal with it when it does? Establish clear channels of communication. Remote teams that rely mostly on emails and chats are more susceptible to conflict, as clear communication often relies on non-verbal cues, most of which can’t be translated succinctly into words. And remember to use the right channels of communication, such as delivering nuanced messages in-person or on a video call as opposed to email or Slack. Be transparent about performance expectations. Don’t leave standards, such as what “good” versus “just okay” looks like, entirely open to interpretation. Take some time to identify your most important performance standards and clearly communicate them to your team. Manage time expectations. Conflict can happen when you are misaligned on timing or deadlines. Encourage your team members to track their hours and how they spend their day at work. Have them share it among each other, too, if they’re agreeable. Build time into your weekly schedule to review your team’s trackers and identify opportunities for improvement. Clarify task and role expectations. When everyone assumes that someone else is responsible for completing a task, balls are inevitably dropped, leading to finger-pointing, blame, and missed deadlines. With your teams input, create a short guide that lays out the expectations you have of your team members, their roles, and assigned tasks.

teamwork

Teamwork

4 Triggers Cause the Majority of Team Conflicts

Starting a new job always comes with a few unexpected challenges. One that is especially hard to navigate is a strained relationship with your new boss. What should you do if you realize you’re just not getting along? Start by diagnosing the problem. Here are a few reasons why your relationship might be strained and few things you can try to help mitigate the relationship.

Not Really Clicking With The New Boss

One aspect of personality that can cause difficulties involves the trait of conscientiousness, which reflects your motivation to complete the tasks you start well and to follow rules. You may feel that your boss is piling too many tasks on you. It is important to find out your boss’s expectations for the level of perfection that is expected for particular tasks. That will help you to calibrate the amount of effort that is needed for assignments and may help you deal with a long to-do list.

Reason 1: You Are More Conscientious

If you are more agreeable than your boss, they may not always provide you with feedback that makes you feel welcome at work. Consequently, you may have concerns that your boss doesn’t like you.It is important to pay attention to how your boss treats everyone. If they are not that warm, then focus on feedback you get about your performance rather than on the interpersonal interactions you have.

Reason 2: You Are More of A People-Pleaser

People who are open are motivated to check out and embrace new opportunities, while those who are closed find reasons to avoid new approaches.When you and your boss differ a lot in openness, then one of you is probably pushing the other to think about things in a new way, while the other is resisting this urge. When your boss is less open than you are, it is valuable to inform your boss about new approaches or opportunities well in advance of when you need a decision in order to give your boss a chance to get comfortable with the novelty of the situation before having to evaluate it.

Reason 3: You Differ in How You Approach New Opportunities

If you have a mismatch between what you think you should be doing and what your boss thinks you should be doing, then you are likely to get negative feedback about your performance despite your efforts because you are working on the “wrong” things.In this case, you’ll want to bring your to-do list to your check-ins so you can walk through it together to determine which tasks are most important (and to amplify what I wrote earlier, which tasks need your best effort).

Reason 3: Your Boss Doesn’t Help You Prioritize

What should you do if your boss communicates about priorities, but the thing deemed most important shifts from day-to-day? This pattern often happens when your boss is reactive to events rather than strategic. This roller-coaster can be difficult to ride because you are never sure what you are supposed to be doing on any given day.It can be valuable to have frequent check-ins with a boss whose priorities shift so that you can determine whether there are new areas where you should be making progress.

Reason 4: Your Boss Is More Reactive than Strategic

This can be particularly problematic when your boss is very agreeable. Because agreeable people want to be liked, they often have difficulty giving direct negative feedback, because they feel as though they will not be liked when they criticize. In this case, it is important to ask specific questions about your work to <a href="https://hbr.org/2015/05/how-to-get-the-feedback-you-need">elicit the feedback you need to improve</a>. The benefit of this approach is that as your agreeable boss realizes that you take constructive criticism well, your boss will often be better able to offer it without being asked.

Reason 5: You Aren’t Getting the Feedback You Need

It is worth remembering that <a href="https://hbr.org/2016/12/do-you-hate-your-boss">you don’t need to really like your boss to like your job</a>. If your work environment is stable and you get along with at least a few of your colleagues, it is okay if you and your boss are not people who would hang out together. You still may learn a lot from watching how your boss navigates their tasks. Focus on what makes them successful and take those lessons with you when you step into your own leadership role.

The Bottom Line

You Don’t Like Your New Boss. What Should You Do?

Bad bosses can be a factor for employees who decide to leave. However, if you’re considering leaving your job because of your manager, it could be that your boss is a diamond in the rough: someone who just needs some input on how to do a better job.

What if your boss can be fixed?

Consider the purpose of giving your boss feedback. Is it feedback on their performance or a project? If the feedback is about them, you have to be very cautious in how you're sharing your thoughts.

Understand your goal

Instead of speaking off the cuff, jot down some ideas you want to chat about. Ensure the conversation is happening face to face in some way. Body language and facial expressions add context that can't be conveyed over the phone. You'll be able to see visual cues and steer the direction of the conversation in an appropriate way.

Prepare for the conversation

Ask permission to share your thoughts. “I know you have a lot on your plate. I’ve noticed [this issue]. Can I share some thoughts on that?” Then state data and what you've seen happening. Start with something small to see if they're open to receiving feedback or if they shut it down.

Ease into your feedback

Approach the conversation honestly and respectfully. Be as direct as you can and ensure a professional tone. For example, "I've been having this issue. What do you think about approaching it from this direction?" Communicate how the change could positively impact your workflow. "I think I could be more efficient if X, Y, and Z happened."

Remove emotion

Once you provide your feedback, ask for theirs to ensure that it doesn't seem like you're attacking them. End the conversation by asking how you can help. Feedback can feel awkward when you're giving it to your boss. But, if you don't take the risk, your situation will remain the same or could worsen.

Create a two-way street

How to give your boss feedback without losing your job

Many organizations have tried to address workplace microaggression but have missed the mark. For example, black women continue to experience the highest rates of disrespect despite 80% of white men and women identifying as allies to people of colour at work. To make more progress toward racial equity, leaders need to understand how demeaning remarks affect black employees’ workplace behaviour and emotions in real-time.

The gap between how folks intend to treat people of color and what is actually happening

"There's no chance now [for a board seat] for the next 20 years. All they want are women. Edith, you must be in great demand — as a black woman." This type of comment is known as competency microaggression and is commonly directed at black and female employees. It reveals low expectations of their abilities and beliefs that they're affirmative action hires. A study found most black professionals are conflict avoidant - they don't want to be associated with negative stereotypes of the "angry black person".

Competency microaggressions

Competency microaggressions can lead to less-effective team interactions. Healthy deference fosters group cooperation. When one person is seen as a legitimate leader, the others will follow to be seen as reasonable and contribute to collective tasks. However, when race or gender consistently drives who gets shown more deference, teams not only miss out on women's contributions but overlook women for promotions. Furthermore, when individuals experience a microaggression, they defer less to their team members because of how negatively they feel toward them. This can impact how teams function.

The cost to teams

While many leaders have ramped up efforts to make their organizations equitable for members of marginalized groups, evidence shows that Black employees continue to experience disrespect in the workplace. Since Black professionals face a bind in dealing with racialized comments, organizations need to take responsibility for preventing microaggressions and relieving their Black employees of the emotional labor that comes with them. The author’s experiment shows that the ways Black workers respond to competency microaggressions are complex and not only hurt the recipient, but also how they interact in teams.

corporateculture

Corporate Culture

Research: The Real-Time Impact of Microaggressions

Bullies are in every area of the workplace, be it a difficult boss, a malicious coworker, or a disrespectful client. Bullying is classified are repeated and purposeful harassing, offending, excluding, or spitefully disrupting someone's tasks. It can be job-related or person-related. Early career professionals are more prone to bullying than their senior colleagues. If not addressed, bullying can damage a person's well-being and increase job turnover.

Bullies in the workplace

Bees work hard and provide value to their environment, but you risk getting stung if you try to hurt them. Find a visible way to defend yourself from bullying behaviour.<ul><li>Play by the book. It can give you a sense of security and help you stay on track when you don't yet know how things work in your organisation.</li><li>Build a strong network, including with senior employees or influential people. It helps to influence people and form alliances within your workplace.</li><li>Stay on good terms with the rest of your colleagues, regardless of their level in the chain of command.</li></ul>

Become a bee

Rather than lashing out or letting your emotions get the better of you, pause before acting. It will help to detach emotionally. If you feel safe enough to approach your colleague, respectfully initiate a candid discussion with the bully. If the bully responds, listen instead of getting defensive. You may discover that there is room for reconciliation. However, if the bullying continues, it may be good to approach HR or your manager.

Don’t let your emotions overpower your reaction

A last approach before approaching a higher authority is to “Build your opponent a golden bridge to retreat across.” When you realize you are getting in an office battle zone, start gathering evidence to block all exits besides the one you consider fair. Instead of directly confronting a bully, present the facts and explain how these errors seriously threaten his or her employment in the long term. Then present the solution you want them to get to.

Build golden bridges

Early career professionals are more prone to bullying than their senior colleagues. Research shows that power imbalances between experienced and newer workers can create an authority gap that has the potential to generate abusive and intimidating behaviors from those who have higher status. If you’re a young professional dealing with bullying at work, how do you navigate the situation and guard yourself? Become a bee: Start by finding your sting — a visible way to defend yourself from bullying behavior. For instance, make it known that you are someone who follows rules and procedures. Playing by the book can give you a sense of security, help you stay on track, and give bullies less weaknesses to exploit. Don’t let your emotions overpower your reaction: Put aside your anger, frustration, and the urge to snap back. If you react instinctively, guided by your negative emotions, you may end up increasing the conflict, reducing mutual gain, and damaging any chances of future collaboration. Build golden bridges: As soon as you realize you are getting in an office battle zone, start gathering evidence to block all exits besides the one you consider fair. Ask yourself, “How do I make it easier for the bully to reach the decision that I want them to get to?” This can be an excellent way to inhibit workplace intimidation before following the official path.

How to Confront a Bully at Work

Not all team members will have the same perspective when looking back on a completed project. They may remember key issues differently, such as who came up with ideas, who helped save the day, and whether particular meetings or discussions occurred.

Varying accounts of the same event

When people recall past events, they remember their own contributions to a project but only hear about other people's contributions. This results in people emphasising their own contributions to a project because they recall it better. Even when you are aware of other people's contributions, you tend to show yourself as the hero while giving less credit to others than they deserve.

Egocentrism and self-serving biases

To predict what will happen in a complex event, you have memory frameworks called schemas that help predict the possible sequence of events and why you do them. For example, when you go to a doctor's office, you need to check in at the front desk, sit in the waiting room, get called to the exam room, meet the doctor, and then pay your bill. But these schemas influence your memory. You may credit a supervisor for an idea rather than their subordinate because you expected it more from a supervisor. You may also forget key details.

Your memory don't collect accurate accounts

Your memory is dynamic. Every time you think about an event, you may influence your memory of that event. Things you hear later can get mixed in with your visual memories of the event. While it may feel strange that your memory can be influenced, your mind just wants to know how to react to new situations.

Memory intrusions

Ever wonder why you remember a particular event differently from others?


Understand yourself and those around you.

psychology

Psychology

scienceandnature

Science & Nature

Why your brain is so good at rewriting history

Interpersonal skills are often essential to success in your job. Unfortunately, one of the most difficult personalities to work with is someone who thinks they're the smartest. When you work with someone who fails to give others space when sharing ideas, you can still find ways to work with them successfully.

Collaborating with a difficult person

People may behave arrogantly not because they are confident but because they feel insecure. They may be trying to prove themselves. Instead of trying to put them in their place, you may be able to dissipate their arrogance by validating their contribution. When they raise a point, build on it or use it to develop the discussion. Ask them questions and seek their opinion.

Consider motivations

Sometimes, someone intent on proving they're super smart can make you question your own expertise. You need to feel good about your own contribution to work confidently with others. Remind yourself of all you can bring to your position and embrace your talents. This can help to keep you from falling into the comparison trap.

Maintain your confidence

An egocentric person is often loud and abrasive, and you may find it challenging to get your point across. You can be direct and constructive: 'Before we close on this, let's find out what others think." Your team will benefit from the diverse opinions. However, the best balance is where everyone has an opportunity to express their perspective freely.

Stand your ground

If you have tried what you could, but your colleague is still lacking self-awareness, try to direct your thoughts and attention toward something else. If you fixate on this person, your anxiety might grow. Instead, keep your distance as much as you can. Try to continue with a thoughtful and respectful manner towards your coworker. Regardless of the people you interact with, take the opportunity to learn and find ways to improve.

Let it go

Working alongside the so-called smartest person in the room can be difficult but not impossible.


Ask for What You Need at Work

How to deal with passive-aggressive coworkers

How To Challenge Anyone and Anything

4 Triggers Cause the Majority of Team Conflicts

You Don’t Like Your New Boss. What Should You Do?

Karen Burns